Tag Words: Dead girl, ghosts, running, death, anorexia, bulimia, affairs, suicide, drugs, rich kids, murder, sexual situations
My Summary:
Elizabeth Valchar is dead and she can’t remember why, but what she discovers Between death and after will change how she saw her world, and how she values the thing that is already gone- her life.
My Review:
I read a galley of this book a long while ago, before the cover was even revealed. I debated whether or not to review this one. SO MUCH could have changed between now and then, but I decided to go ahead and offer my thoughts, as that was the point of the early-early distribution of the galley into my hands. I decided to not review the small details, which could definitely have changed, more give you an overall reaction to the story and the characters.
This was the first Jessica Warman I read. If you’ve read one of her other books and loved it, please read this one as well, don’t let my review discourage you from what you already know! However, if you do want to read on, here’s what I have to say:
I feel like I have read better versions of this book many, many times. Rich mean girl is killed, must find out why, and redeem herself before crossing over. If it came down to someone holding both this book and Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver in their hands at the checkout counter and asking, “Which one?” I would not point to Between.
Next general issue, one of the “dead” characters belittled his parents for attending mass to pray for his soul. I don’t like the bashing of the Catholics, or the Christians, in any context, however the issue felt a bit bigger as I wanted to yell at the character, “That is called love!” The character couldn’t even see how much his parents loved him because the author was so busy belittling the faithful.
The story was obvious, I read about 200 pages waiting to find out the thing I knew was going to happen was where the book was going, going, going, gone.
I did like Richie and I really cared about him, but that was the only character/piece of the plot I cared about.
If this sounds like your kind of book please, please, please pick it up. As always, my opinion is my opinion, your book selection should rest in your hands alone.
Notes on the Names:
Great names!
Elizabeth called Liz. Elizabeth is one of my all-time favorite names. It is so gorgeous, but I prefer the Eliza nickname.
We also had the gorgeous trio of Josie, Mera (I prefer the Mira spelling) and Caroline for girls. Richie and Topher for boys.
Thoughts on the Cover:
When I saw the cover I thought, “Aw, man!” Because that gorgeous cover will never be on my Mod Podge Bookshelf.
Parental Book Review *spoilers*
Sexual Content:
Heavy.
Sexual situations that include an older man holding information over Liz, he takes semi-pornographic pictures of her, but they never have sex.
After prom Liz takes off her dress and kisses Richie in just a thong.
Josie and Richie are and have been cheating on Liz.
Death by car crash, the body is slightly gory in description when discovered.
Death by being forcibly drowned.
Death by falling through the glass in the shower and exsanguinating. Blood is somewhat gory.
Bullying.
Other Notables:
Drugs, alcohol, parents who give their children alcohol, Richie is a drug-dealer, his parents are never at the house, his psychologist buys from him.
Josie and her mother go to a “spiritualist church” and Josie uses a Ouija board to contact Elizabeth, just as her mother did to contact Liz’s mother when she died years before.
Affairs.
Mera received a boob job for her 18th birthday.
Severe anorexia and bulimia on the part of Liz’s mother and Liz. Death because of it.
Tag Words: college, Harvard, foreign students, sex, alcohol, parties, gossip, hook-ups, freshman year
My Summary:
It’s Callie’s first year at Harvard University and she needs to get in with the good crowd, or get over it.
My Review:
Yep, this is one of those books I didn’t finish, and yes, I could lecture about the lack of morality, but I think my original review on Goodreads says it all in a short, sweet and serious way:
I don't want to read about a bunch of selfish, self-centered Harvard kids who use their bodies as carelessly as prostitutes and alcoholics and think, "Hey, this is the life!"
Notes on the Names:
Marine Aurelie Clement, called Mimi. I could have died and gone to heaven reading that name! Utterly gorgeous.
Thoughts on the Cover:
I get it now, but I won’t lie, when I first saw it I thought, “Paranormal.”
Parental Book Review *spoilers*
I can’t very well do a real Parental Book Review here, but the reason I stopped reading this book was because of the loose sexual standards, the christian-trashy and the flippant consumption of alcohol. That should tell you something.
Tag Words: Mental disability, male perspective, unique, coming of age, sex, moral truth, religion, lawyers, music
My Summary:
It’s time for Marcelo to join the real world. Marcelo’s father, Arturo believes the best way to integrate his unusual son into society is to have him work at the mail room in his office.
Marcelo would rather work with the ponies at his school, or listen to the IM, his inner-music, or speak with Rabbi Herschel about God, but he promises his father he will abide by the rules of society for one summer and join the real world by working in the law firm.
When Marcelo meets a new cast of “real” characters his eyes are opened to a slew of situations his peaceful mind had never entertained before including love, sex, right, wrong and consequences.
My Review:
Marcelo in the Real World is a thoroughly original coming of age story. First, it is narrated wholly by a boy who is not obsessed with cleavage, or gay. (Insert laugh here.) Instead Marcelo is faced with reality, he is faced with love, the fact that he has never considered sex, but is now, due to Jasmine, the slightly unconventional, caring and truth-talking mail room girl. He is also introduced to a sly, cocky boy who is the son of an esteemed lawyer at the firm and when this new friend asks him to strike a deal he must quickly learn who is true friends are. And last, but not least, Marcelo grapples with right and wrong and ultimate consequences when he finds a picture of a disfigured girl who sustained her injuries in an automobile crash where the infallible windshields his father is now defending marred her for life.
Have I not sold you yet? Fine. Marcelo’s voice is unique, obviously not like you, or I, but not uncomfortable to listen to. I have been surrounded by disability my entire life, first reading to my cousin with CP in his ball pit, then tutoring disabled kids from grade school on. It’s a passion of mine, because those whose minds aren’t like the rest of ours, those that are considered broken, or unwhole are the most fascinating people I have ever spent time with and I mean that from the depths of my heart. In my limited experience Stork completely captured the heart and mind of a nearly adult male who is finally encountering the “real world.” In the words of one of the characters, “If we could all be so ill.”
I think this book asks and answers the right questions, but Stork also chooses to leave some questions blank and I am still reeling, trying to decide my stance on certain issues. Was Marcelo’s father right to integrate him into the real world, or not? What attracts Jasmine to Marcelo? Besides Marcelo’s interest in God, does he believe God has an interest in him? All very interesting, thought-provoking questions that are still haunting me.
I would ask you to read this book if any of the above appeals to you, because I think it is a book worth your time, a bit of your heart, and many of your thoughts.
Notes on the Names:
Arturo, Aurora, Marcelo & Yolanda.
Don’t they make a lovely family? Don’t they just inspire an image?
Thoughts on the Cover:
I received more compliments on this cover just walking around with it. Nearly anyone who saw me reading it, stranger, or no, would stop me to say how beautiful it is, and I agree! Another cover similar to it that I have recently been captivated by is I’ll Be There by Holly Goldberg Sloan:
Parental Book Review *spoilers*
Sexual Content:
Moderate.
A lot of talk about sex, some of it very sterile, some of it not so nice, as Marcelo comes to see that not everyone regards the act as a loving one.
I do think you should be aware of this content, but also know I took no offense, found none of it abrasive, lewd, disgusting etc. Because I saw all the wonderful plot weaving and intellect stirring the author was up to.
No actual sex, or even kissing, occurs.
Language:
Heavy
Again, Marcelo is discovering the rude ways people use such terms as “F**cking,” and sometimes the word would be written down because Marcelo was discussing the word with someone and how it was crude.
Tag Words: Iron Fey Series, Novella, Ash, Puck, tricks, Queen Titania, calling in favors, Iron Knight
My Summary:
Time for Ash to pay up, and Leanansidhe has come to collect. Just a tiny favor, darling.
This taste of what’s to come in Ash’s tale is worth the read!
My Review:
Puck, I’m sorry, I’m in love with Ash, but bro, you and I should be best friends.
I loved this novella and I wish/hope/pray that Harlequin will choose to publish both Winter’s Passage & Summer’s Crossing in physical form some time in the future.
The revelations, the adventure, and the sticky situation Puck manages to maneuver Ash into is all worth the read. Flip through this short, but sweet story before going back to the Nevernever this fall in The Iron Knight.
Notes on the Names:
The Violin’s name is Vi! I love Julie for that.
Thoughts on the Cover:
I love it more than the Winter’s Passage cover, seriously though, these should be printed for bookshelf purposes.
Parental Book Review *spoilers*
Sexual Content:
Mild.
Queen Titania entertains when her husband is away
Language:
Mild/Moderate
I lost my notes on this book, sorry, but I am confident, nothing too profane.
Tag Words: Blind girl, kidnapping, ransom, escape, Contemp Author Challenge
My Summary: Cheyenne is blind, kidnapped and sick with pneumonia. She is being ransomed for a million dollars. Her kidnappers have promised to let her go, but Cheyenne can feel the fingers of death clutching her closely. To escape and survive Cheyenne must hurt the one boy who began it all and protected her while in captivity. Can she do what it takes to be free?
My Review:
When I first began Girl, Stolen by April Henry, I was a bit unimpressed. The chain of events that lead to the kidnapping, and the details that are plugged in to up the stakes feel a bit forced. The kidnapping isn’t premeditated, it isn’t even suppose to occur, so I stuck with the story, hoping the “clumsiness” would wear off and the story would pull through. It did in the end and I was left satisfied with Cheyenne’s tale.
As for the characters Cheyenne is resilient and brave. She is a great heroine and I loved being in her mind. Griffin bothered me a bit. I think that Griffin developing feelings for the young, blind, sick girl within minutes is a bit much. I believe that pairing Griffin against his father and the two other “bad guys” was such a stark difference that I would rather Griffin’s portion of the story been about his struggle with right and wrong and deciding that he wanted to be someone better, that his dad’s approval meant nothing because Roy was nothing. I did like that the chapters flipped back and forth, you don’t read that much and I think it was a good decision on Henry’s part.
All in all it was a good book, I read the last eighty or so pages straight through and my heart sped up at certain points. I really admire Cheyenne and I only hope I would be so brave and strong if I were in the same situation.
Notes on the Names: This is the best part! Cheyenne and I have something in common, we are both descended from a pure-blood Cherokee who happens to be our great-great- grandmother. As Cheyenne said, “Not enough to count,” but this blood is enough to peak my interest in Native American names; because of that I know that Cheyenne means “People of a different language.” Yeah, that’s perfection.
Thoughts on the Cover: I really like this cover, the small details, such as the simple, but elegant jewelry, and the worn nail polish really make Cheyenne come alive. The editing is also beautifully done, I am really impressed!
Priscilla is a tad surprised when her finger becomes a blow torch, but wouldn’t you be?
Middle school just got a whole lot hotter...
My Review:
Oi. Alright, I could be diplomatic and say, ‘This book just wasn’t for me,’ but I am at a crossroads. It wasn’t for me, obviously, but I can’t think of anyone I know who would enjoy it. I’ve seen good reviews on Goodreads, and I’ve seen bad reviews. I guess mine is just going to have to be the latter because I should be allowed to justify my opinion on my own blog, right?
My opinion is that the book is unbelievable. Alright, you’re rolling your eyes at me, because Helll-oo, Gabrielle, it’s a book about a girl who just discovered she has supernatural powers, right? Beyond that, however, the book becomes more and more improbable. Let’s just say tomorrow you grow gills, or your finger becomes a blowtorch, you would freak the !#*$& @$*## out right?! I would go to my parents and demand they take me to the hospital to see if I was mental, I wouldn’t just naturally come in to using these powers. Priscilla is obviously an alien, if she can acclimate to craziness as fast as she did. She also kept mum about it all. Not a word, not to anyone, oh, wait, she tells her best friend, who also reacts sans-melt down.
Then the powers magically go away. And I magically shut the book.
Sorry to fans of Priscilla, yeah, just really not my kind of book.
Notes on the Names:
This poor girls name is Priscilla Maxine. They call her Priss. Poor girl.
Thoughts on the Cover:
I like the cover make-over this book has received! The copy I read looks like this and I don’t like it.
Parental Book Review *spoilers*
I didn’t finish this one, so, of course not a full run-down, but I can tell you there was no cursing, I don’t think that would have changed, I am guessing on a first-kiss situation and we did have a couple cheating on each other, and I would expect some good-vs.-evil violence.
Tag Words: Folklore, legend, supernatural, Sandmen, dreaming, love, complicated relationship, dangerous relationship, death
My Summary:
Julia’s boyfriend just died and she feels... nothing.
Maybe she’d feel differently if she knew he was hanging around and in charge of her sleeping habits.
My Review:
The premise of this book is really good, the idea is really, really good; a subject not yet tackled as far as I know and the characters are authentic, unique and vivid. This book had so much potential, and I just don’t feel like it lived up to it.
My main problem with this book is the arc of the plot. There is classic plot structure that most books stick to and it includes rising action, climax and falling action, in that order. It has stuck because it works, people respond to it and enjoy it. I’m not quite sure how I would describe the turbulent peaks and falls of Sleepless, but they were jarring to say the least. Because of the break in tradition much of the short novel dragged, while other, important bits raced by. Emotional revelations were passed up and so the characters, which as I mentioned were really original and unique, became average joes. To bad.
Another problem I had with the characters was that they were not romantic heroes, or heroines. Griffin turns into a rabid beast, Bret gets handsy and Eron is so stiff that I could only imagine him as a seventy year old man, not a young, hot thing I’m suppose to want for Julia. Sleepless was suppose to be a love story, but I didn’t feel it at all.
A book that is very similar is Sunday at Tiffany’s by James Patterson and Gabrielle Charbonnet. I would recommend Sunday over Sleepless.
Notes on the Names:
I appreciate that the author tried to find a balance between giving Eron a name that fit in both his worlds, the one that existed 100 years ago and the quasi-magical world he exists in during the present day, but Geronimo, called Eron does not work for me.
Thoughts on the Cover:
The best part of this book, by far, was the design. The cover is gorgeous and the moon and flower theme is repeated inside the book as the chapters change perspectives.
Parental Book Review *spoilers*
Sexual Content:
Mild.
Kissing without a heated tone.
Language:
Mild/Moderate
H- 18
A- 10
D- 3
Sl*t- 1
Violence:
Moderate
Attempted rape
Eron is run over by a car
Eron mildly describes the accident that ended his life
Eron remembers the dreams of Julia’s kidnapper, they involved knives and the kidnapper gouged out a piece of her cheek for every day he kept her.
Other Notables:
Some characters are alcoholics and many underage teens consume alcohol, some to the point of being alcoholics.
Dear Jackson Pearce, Little, Brown Books, Walden Pond Press, Random House Books, and weirdly named bookstore in NC, I think you all rock and are very deserving of brownie points for being cooler than me all the time. Thank you for the reading material!
Tag Words: Dystopian, adventure, steampunk, Era, Queen, prison, physics, adventure, legends, battle, struggle, lost princes
My Summary:
No one has ever left Incarceron, but Sappique got out and Finn, the Starseer, will follow in his footsteps, even to his own destruction.
My Review:
This book is kind of an anomaly for The Mod Podge Bookshelf. I feel rather tepid about Incarceron. Did I love it? No. Like it? Not really. Did you hate it? Not at all. Finish it? Absolutely.
Weird, right? I usually can point you in the “right” path, either way. This time, hey, it’s up to you because I’m not sure how I even feel about it. Things I know for sure:
I don’t feel like this was is a dystopian, it reminds me more of a modern-day steampunk adventure story.
When it’s revealed where Incarceron is and how Incarceron works I was incredibly disappointed. My response was an audible, “Really?! That’s stupid. Does that even make sense?!”
I LOVED the Prison. I LOVED that it had feelings, menacing, pitiful and all that fell in between.
I still don’t understand a lot of what happened and don’t feel Incarceron was a very visual book where the reader is taken along for the ride, at the same time I was entertained and the plot flowed well-ish.
So take what you can from that and if you wanted to read Incarceron go ahead! As for Sappique, it may be a while before I get to it, but I will read it.
Notes on the Names:
A HUGE mistake. And yet, in keeping with my how-do-I-feel-about-this review I will say that I LOVED the names.
The mistake? The “outside” of Incarceron lives in “Era” meaning they don’t go past a certain date. Due to the steam-punky feel of the novel I’m going to say something like the Victorian era. But the names stretched those boundaries, the ‘Era’ consistencies did not reach the names.
I will say one of my FAVORITE names was used in this book! Sia! I read that and just about died, I hope it doesn’t catch on when Taylor Lautner begins work on the movie!
Thoughts on the Cover:
A really, really cool cover. If you look closely there are two keys locked together, not just the one! There are also mysterious numbers, gears, cogs, metal leaves and clocks. Pretty, pretty and a great fit for this novel!
Parental Book Review *spoilers* A la Reading Teen (Thanks Amy!)
Sexual Content:
None
Language:
Minor
A few each - H***, D***, Oh, God
Violence:
Minor
- In the prison there where beatings and fighting, nothing over the top.
- A woman dies, falls off a bridge.
- some tense scenes involving escape out of the prison
Oh, Mamacita, it's time for de tres libros in Simone Elkeles acclaimed Perfect Chemistry series!
Bloomsbury has been awesome enough to give us this behind the scenes sneak at the book trailer, plus, read on for an excerpt from book three, Chain Reaction!
(Warning, language and mature themes ahead.)
Luis
Being the youngest of three boys definitely has its advantages. I’ve watched my brothers get into some serious trouble when they were in high school. I was never expected to follow in their footsteps. I get straight As, I don’t get into fights, and from age eleven I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I’m known as “the good kid” in mi familia—the one who’s expected to never fuck up.
My friends know I have a crazy rebellious streak, but my family doesn’t. I can’t help it—I’m a Fuentes, and being rebellious is deeply rooted in my genes. The kid my family sees on the outside isn’t necessarily what’s on the inside, and I intend to keep it that way. I vowed never to stray from my ultimate goal of going to college and studying aeronautics, but taking a few physical risks every once in a while feeds that adrenaline rush I crave.
I’m standing at the bottom of a rock formation in Boulder Canyon with four of my friends. Jack Reyerson brought rock climbing gear, but I don’t wait to strap on a harness. I grab one of the ropes and attach it with a carabiner on my belt loop so when I reach the summit I can anchor the rope for the rest of the group.
“It’s not safe to go up without gear, Luis,” Brooke says. “But you already know that, don’t you?”
“Yep,” I say.
I start a free solo ascent, making my way up the rock formation. This isn’t the first free solo I’ve done at Boulder Canyon, and I’ve had enough training to know what the hell I’m doing. I’m not saying it’s not a risk—it’s just a calculated one.
“You’re crazy, Luis,” Jamie Bloomfield yells from below as I climb even higher. “If you fall, you’ll die!”
“I just want everyone here to know that I’m not responsible if you break every bone in your body,” Jack says. “I should have had you sign a liability waiver.”
Jack’s father is a lawyer, so he has an annoying habit of announcing his lack of responsibility about pretty much everything we do.
I don’t tell them that climbing without a safety harness is an adrenaline rush. It actually makes me want to push myself harder and take more risks. Jamie called me an adrenaline junkie after I snowboarded down the black diamond slope in Vail on the winter break trip last year. I didn’t tell her that fooling around with the girl I met in the lobby that night was also an adrenaline rush. Does that qualify me as a junkie?
When I’m halfway to the summit, I’ve got my right hand secured above me and one foot planted inside a small crevice. It’s high enough to make me look down to see what I might be falling on if I do lose my grip.
“Don’t look down!” Jack says in a panic. “You’ll get vertigo and fall.” “And die!” Jamie adds. Dios mío. My friends seriously need to chill. They’re white, and
haven’t been brought up in a Mexican family full of guys who thrive on challenges and living on the edge. Even though I’m supposed to be the one Fuentes brother who’s smart enough not to take risks, I feel most alive when I do.
The summit is a few feet away. I stop and look across the sky, getting a bird’s-eye view of the landscape. It’s fucking amazing. I used to live in Illinois, where the landscape was completely flat except for the sky- scrapers. Looking out across the Colorado mountains makes me appreciate nature. The wind is at my back, the sun is high in the sky, and I feel invincible.
I reach up with my left hand and grab on to the edge of a crevice in the rock face about ten feet from the top. I’m almost there. As I scan the rock for a spot to place my foot, I feel something sharp pierce my hand.
Oh, hell. That wasn’t good. I just got bitten by something. Instinctively, I quickly plant my foot as I snatch my hand back and
glance at it. Two small puncture marks are on the back of my hand with my blood streaming out of them.
“Stop scratching your balls so we can get up there before the sun sets, Luis!” Eli Movitz screams from below.
“I hate to break the news to you guys,” I call down to them as the tip of a snake’s head appears above me, then sneaks back inside for cover, “but I just got bitten by a snake.”
I didn’t get a good look at the sucker, so I have no clue if it’s venomous or not. Shit. I look down at my friends and vertigo hits almost immediately. This was not in the plan. My heart is racing and I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping to stop my head from spinning.
“Holy shit, man!” Eli yells to me. “Was it a rattler?” “I don’t know.” “What did it look like?” Jamie calls up to me. “Did it have stripes?” “I only saw the tip of the head, and I’m not about to go back up there and get a closer look,” I tell her, wondering if I should move sideways and continue the last ten feet of my ascent or attempt to go back down.
I’m a math guy, so I immediately consider the odds of surviving this situation. My hand definitely stings, but it’s not numb. Surely if I was just pumped with a shitload of venom I’d start feeling numb and stiff right about now.
“I knew Luis shouldn’t have free solo’d it,” Jack’s voice echoes from below. “I knew it! Nobody listened to me, and now he’s stuck up there while venom is probably spreading throughout his body.”
“Shut the fuck up, Jack!” I yell. “Snakes don’t have fuckin’ legs, so how was I supposed to think there’d be one hidin’ in the face of a damn rock that’s ten feet below the summit?”
“Do you feel, like, normal?” Brooke asks.
“A snake just punctured my skin with its fangs, Brooke,” I say as I head back down slowly. It might be my imagination, but I think my hand is starting to get numb. “Of course I don’t feel normal.”
“Get a ranger with antivenom!” Jack yells to the rest of them. We’d have to drive to find one. None of us have our licenses yet, so we’re screwed. Actually, I’m the only one who’s screwed.
With all the talk of antivenom and rattlers, I can’t think straight and lose traction.
My foot slips. Then my hand, the one without two puncture holes in it, starts sweating all of a sudden and I lose my grip. I slip down the side of the rock face and hear the gasps and screams of my friends below while I scramble to get a foothold or a hand on something solid. It’s no use.
All I can think of before I hit the ground is I’m not ready to die.
NIKKI
“I love you, Marco.” I said it. I couldn’t look into my boyfriend’s deep, dark eyes as the
words flowed seamlessly from my lips, because I’m also holding some- thing back. I figured saying I love you as a conversation starter would be easier than saying I might be pregnant. It was cowardly not to look into his eyes and tell him everything, but saying those three words is a start. I feel more vulnerable than I’ve ever felt before.
I don’t do vulnerable well.
I breathe out slowly and gather up the courage to look up at my boyfriend of a year. We lost our virginity to each other a month ago when his parents went to Mexico to visit his grandmother.
I can’t even think about it now as I focus on him. Okay, I said I love you. Your turn to say it back, like you whispered in my ear the first time we made love. Then I’ll tell you I missed my period this month and I’m freak- ing out. Then you’ll tell me everything will be okay and that we’ll deal with it together.
He’s smiling. Well, kinda. The side of his mouth is quirked up, like he’s amused. I wasn’t going for amused. I was going for affection and adoration—signs that it was okay to tell him my secret. I look toward Lake Michigan, wishing we weren’t outside and hoping nobody from our high school suddenly shows up. I wrap my arms around myself. It’s not that warm in Illinois yet, and the wind off the lake is definitely mak- ing me shiver. Or maybe it’s my nerves.
“You don’t have to say it back to me,” I say to fill the silence, but that’s a complete lie. I do expect Marco to say it back to me. I don’t want to hear it just on special occasions and when we’re making love.
The first time he said it was after the homecoming dance back in September. Then on New Year’s Eve. And on Valentine’s Day. And my birthday. So many nights I lie alone in my bed and think about how our love will last forever.
We don’t have the same friends because we live on different sides of Fairfield, but that’s never mattered. We’ve made it work. After school, we usually go to my house and just . . . be with each other.
And now we might be having a baby. How is he going to take the news?
Today is the last day of our freshman year of high school before summer break. Marco suggested we go to the beach after school when I told him I needed to talk.
It makes sense, really. The beach is our special place.
We had our first kiss on the beach last summer. He asked me to be his official girlfriend there the second week of school. We made snow angels on that same beach back in January when we had a snow day. We come here to share all our private secrets, like once he told me where gang members stashed guns around town so the police wouldn’t catch them carrying it. Marco has always known guys who were heavily con- nected. He steps away from me, and immediately I get goose bumps as if my body knows something is up besides the wind coming off the lake. He combs his fingers through his jet-black hair. Then sighs. Twice.
“I think we should see other people,” he murmurs. I cock my head to the side. Obviously I didn’t hear him right. There are a few phrases that a girl expects to hear after she declares
her love to her boyfriend. I can think of a few right off the top of my head, but I think we should see other people isn’t one of them.
I’m stunned. And I can’t stop shaking as I think about being preg- nant without him at my side, smiling and telling me everything will be okay.
“W-w-why?”
“You always said you’d never date a gang member, and I’m gonna be one.”
“Of course I won’t date a gang member,” I blurt out. “Just two days ago you told me you’d never join the gang, Marco. It was right before we made love. Remember?”
He winces. “I said a lot of things I probably shouldn’t have. And could you please not call it makin’ love . . . every time you say it like that you make me feel like shit.”
“What do you want me to call it?” “Sex.” “Just sex, huh?” He rolls his eyes, and I swear my stomach lurches in response.
“See, now you’re makin’ me feel like shit on purpose.” “I’m not doing it on purpose.” He opens his mouth to say something, then must think better of it,
because he shuts it.
I scan his face, hoping he’ll say Just joking! Of course I pick you over the Latino Blood, but he doesn’t. My heart feels like someone is chip- ping away at it, piece by piece.
“We’re just . . . so different.”
“No we’re not. We’re perfect together. We go to the same school, we have the best time together . . . we’re both Mexican.”
He laughs. “You don’t even speak a word of Spanish, Nikki. My parents and friends talk about you while you’re in the room, and you’re clueless. You’re not really Mexican.”
Is he kidding me?
My parents were born in Mexico, just like the rest of my ancestors. Nobody would mistake them for anything other than Latino. Spanish is their first language. My parents came to the United States after they got married. After that, my dad went to medical school and did his resi- dency at Chicago Memorial.
“The gang doesn’t make you more Mexican, Marco. Don’t make the gang more important than our relationship.”
He kicks up the sand with his toe. “No hablas pinche español.” “I don’t know what you said. Can you translate, please?” He holds his hands up in frustration. “That’s my point. To be hon-
est, I’ve been hangin’ with the Blood for a while now.” How can he say that? I put my hand over my stomach in a weak
effort to protect any baby that might be growing inside me. I can’t help tears from welling in my eyes. I know I look desperate and pathetic as a stream of tears runs down my cheeks. Everything I thought I had with Marco is blowing up in my face. I feel more alone than I ever have in my life.
“I can’t believe this,” I say in almost a whisper. I should tell him my secret. Maybe it’ll make him change his mind, knowing that we might have a baby. But if I’m not pregnant, am I just prolonging the inevitable?
“I just don’t want you to give me shit for bein’ a Blood,” he blurts out. “All of my friends joined.”
I look down at my nails. I’d painted them last night and drew a red heart design in the middle of each nail. On my thumbs, inside the little hearts, I put the initials MD—Marco Delgado. I thought he’d be flat- tered. Obviously I was delusional. I quickly hide my thumbs in my fists.
“I’m sorry,” he says, then rubs my shoulder like a parent consoling a child. “Don’t cry. We can still, you know, be friends . . . friends with benefits, even.”
“I don’t want to be friends with benefits, Marco. I want to be your girlfriend.” The entire contents of my lunch threaten to come up on me.
What is the gang giving him that I can’t? He stays silent and kicks the sand again. My hands fall limply at my sides as I realize I can’t fix this. He’s
looking at me differently, as if I’m just one of the other girls at school and not the girl of his dreams or the future mother of his children.
He pulls his cell phone out of his pocket and glances at the time. “Um . . . about tonight.”
“The end-of-year party at Malnatti’s?” It’s the “officially unofficial” pizza party for Fairfield High students. They put up a big tent outside their restaurant and have a DJ and an all-you-can-eat pizza party from six to eleven. Afterward, most of the students hang out at the Fairfield football field back forty until the police come to break it up.
“Yeah,” he says. “So, uh, if you know of anyone who wants to be hooked up, let me know.”
“You’re selling drugs?” I ask him. He shrugs. “It’s money.”
“It’s dirty money, Marco. And illegal. Don’t do it. You could get arrested and locked in jail.”
“I don’t need a fuckin’ lecture from you.”
He checks his phone again. Is he waiting for someone to call or text him? I feel like I’ve already lost everything we ever had.
The tears running silently down my cheeks are a clue that I am most definitely not okay, but he doesn’t seem to care. I swipe them away and curse myself for being so weak.
I can handle this. I’m an independent girl who doesn’t need a guy to figure out what to do. Obviously this is my problem, and my problem alone. If I’m pregnant, he’ll figure it out when he sees my stomach swell up like a balloon. He’ll know it’s his. If he chooses to acknowledge us and clean up his life, then we’ll talk.
I look up at Marco and give him a small smile. “I don’t want to con- trol you. I never wanted to be the girl who held you back.”
“But you did . . . you have. I can’t do it anymore.”
I guess in reality I’m not independent. Our relationship did define me, and I liked it that way. I can’t believe he wants me out of his life. It doesn’t make sense.
He gets a text, but I can’t see who it’s from. He texts back. “Can you make it home on your own?” he asks me. His fingers move fast and furious as he continues texting.
“I guess.”
“Cool.” He leans down and kisses me on the cheek. “My friends thought you’d go all loco on me. They thought you’d punch me or somethin’.”
Now there’s a thought. But no, I couldn’t punch him. Before I can open my mouth to beg him to come back to me and lose any dignity I have left, he turns to leave. Then he’s just gone. Out of sight, but definitely not out of mind.
He picked the gang over me.
My breath hitches. I look out at the lake and feel like jumping in— to swim away and pretend this isn’t happening. Desperation washes over me like waves washing footprints off the shore, and I start to shake uncontrollably. My knees crumple to the sand, and I can feel my hot tears start to fall again. This time I don’t swipe them away. I break down and cry while recalling every single moment Marco and I spent together, and praying that my period is just late and I’m not really pregnant.
